No More Room in Hell

Hell is full, and 2 ditsy teenage girls are trying to figure out if they will go to heaven or remain on earth.

by Lynn WL

So we all heard the big news. Hell is full! No one can enter anymore. But what the hell does that mean? LOL. Well, I think it means you either go to heaven when you die or you just continue living here on earth. In other words, you won't die. Isn't that cool? But wait, let me try to figure this shit out.

No more room in hell!
First of all, who would be happy? I guess people who believe they even have the slightest chance of going to hell when they die either because they do bad things (i.e. "sin") or they simply don't belong to any particular religion that insists heaven is for members only.

So where do I stand? I'm not religious, so I probably should be happy, but I wanna know for sure cuz you see, I'm not a particularly "bad" person so there is a slim chance I will go to heaven. But then again, what are the criteria for being "bad?" Fuck, this is complicated. I wish they would just tell me if I'm staying here or going to heaven. Let me call my best friend Sandra and see what she thinks.

So here we are, sitting in the school cafeteria having a serious discussion trying to figure out if we're good (may still go to heaven when we die although we're not religious) or bad/sinners (will remain alive on earth forever).

"OK, the first question is, which do you prefer?" I ask.

"Well, let's see. Who are the people in heaven? I think there are a lot of religious people who always do what they're told, and they're either annoying or boring," says Sandra.

"Haha, I know, right! OK, so it's probably better to stay here, but we have to struggle and deal with alot of shit every now and then while in heaven it's supposedly always peaceful, and everything is provided for us."

"Heaven may be peaceful, and we may be well taken care of there, but I doubt we can have all the fun and excitement we do here. Besides, think about it... we can't die no matter what! Death is like the worst thing that can happen, right? One of the biggest things people fear. So if we can't die, how bad can it be? We can certainly handle any kind of shit that comes our way or we get ourselves into. Fuck, we've been doing it for like 18 years. Not bad if you ask me," replies Sandra.

"Hmm... you certainly made some great points. OK, so I agree, it's better for us to remain here on earth. But to do that we have to be bad. So the next question is, what's considered bad? Do we have to like kill people, rob banks or do other crazy shit that would land us in jail? That's not exactly my idea of fun."

"Hmm... oh, I have an idea," says Sandra. "Why don't we use the 10 Commandments as a guide. Those are considered the basic laws of God. You break them and you go to hell. At least according to the religious people. So let's see how many of them we can break without going to jail or anything like that."

"Hey, that's brilliant. But wait... what are the 10 Commandments?" I ask.

We look at each other and giggle for we have absolutely no idea what they are. I mean I know a couple of them like don't kill, don't steal, and maybe don't drink alcohol, but that's about it.

"Why don't we ask our best friend Mr. Google?" says Sandra.

"Ah, of course! Oh, Mr. Google, what would we do without you? OK, here goes...

1. You shall have no other gods before Me. Well, we're agnostics, and have trouble believing in one god, let alone many gods. So no, we're not breaking this one.

2. You shall not make and worship carved images. Fuck no, that's just idiotic! Not looking too good so far."

"Wait..." says Sandra. "It may say carved images as it was given in ancient times, but someone once told me that if you idolize a person like a celebrity or make something else like money more important than God, you break this commandment. So I think we're guilty."

"Oh wow, cool! OK, let's continue...
Good vs bad

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Aha! We do this all the time. We swear a lot using God's name.

4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Well, we don't go to church so I think we are guilty of it. It's looking better and better!

5. Honor your father and your mother. Well, we love our parents but we disobey them a lot, and we also talk back. So yeah, I think we're guilty!

6. You shall not murder. Nope, not guilty!

7. You shall not commit adultery.

(We giggle and high-five each other cuz we're guilty of this one big time! In fact, this is the most fun commandment to break. We definitely won't be able to do it in heaven.)

8. You shall not steal. Hmm... not too sure about this one. We never steal, at least not anything big. So we'll just let go of this one.

9. You shall not lie. Well, we're not habitual liars, but we do lie every once in a while. So yeah, guilty!

10. You shall not covet. Umm... no, not really.

Wow, let's see how many of the 10 we break on a regular basis. Six! Not too shabby, huh?"

"Not at all, I'm 90% sure we would go to hell. But, hell is full, so let's celebrate!"

"Fuck, yeah!"

We're getting ready to leave but the guy sitting at the next table gets up and walks toward us. "Sounds like you girls are having fun," he says. "I wasn't intending to eavesdrop, but you were talking so loudly that I overheard everything. Quite interesting I must say. But there's one surefire way to find out, and I'm surprised you didn't figure it out. All you have to do is kill yourselves!"

He walks away with a sinister grin. We are both speechless.

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